Mid Life Crisis

I keep catching myself referring to people slightly older than me as "middle-aged".
Then I stop for a moment and realize that indeed, I am a middle aged guy.
Genetically speaking. I am most likely on the downhill side of my life. My Father bucked the trend of my paternal line and made it to within a month of his 78th birthday. His Father died at 67. His Grandfather at 68.
In two months I will be 39. So IF I live to 78 I have fewer days remaining than past.
For some reason recent weeks have been full of reminders of the passage of time. My time specifically.  Watched the Kurt Cobain documentary. I remember hearing he had killed himself from Chris Comer in Newspaper class my senior year of high school. That was 1994 kids. Bill Clinton hadn't even "not had sex with that woman" yet.
Each night recently I have been watching the final shows of David Letterman. I have been watching Letterman since 1990. I remember because I moved into a downstairs bedroom of my Mother's house and escaped an enforced bedtime. I felt like I had become an adult. That was 25 damn years ago.
I bore you with this because I am reaching for the reason that I am so utterly out of shape.
I have been riding since my last post. Not quite like I should. The man gear has been feeling better. Only occasional pain which doesn't seem as bad. But I am finally getting out. The SHIT weather we have had lately has not helped. Mountain biking has basically been backburnered until probably sometime in late August. It rains every, damn, day.
What I am finding when I ride is that I have gotten much worse than I had suspected. So slow. So off. This morning I rode to Timp Cave. It is a good metric for me. It is a quick little run I can do and not be late for work. If I am shooting for Strava glory and finish with my eyes bulging out of my head I am historically under ten minutes. This morning was not, that, way. While I finished with eyes bulging and bile in my throat I dare say my time was comfortably over ten minutes. My shame has not allowed me to upload my rides to see where I actually stand. I am banking them on my Garmin and hope to upload a bunch of them in a few weeks so I can see how far I've come.
The best part was coming home and jumping on the scale. I am now up 5 pounds since I started "training". When I decided it was time to get started again I was nervous because I had crept over the 190 mark. Two weeks ago, I was 193. This morning I was 198. Two pounds away from my all time highest weight. The freaking Deuce.
I am seriously beginning to doubt that I am capable of finishing the Crusher in July.
Which really would be hard to handle for me. I have never had any delusions of what I am in that race. Pack fodder at best. At worst I am a sad, doughy middle aged guy hoping to be capable of finishing. But I am such a fan of the race and have talked about it so much to people that not finishing due to fat and lazy would just be embarrassing.
Shit.