Day 19

Pleasantly surprised by a one pound loss this morning. That almost fixes all the damage from the weekend. Had a pretty good day as far as food went, and managed to fit in an honest to goodness road ride this evening. It was colder than it looked so hopefully the shivering and goosebumps increased the calorie burn.
For the record I discovered I like Tilapia much better than Cod today. Write that down.

Morning weigh in:

• 188.6
• 25.1%

Day 18

Sloth.
Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest but this is ridiculous.  Ended up eating pizza, leftover chicken and rice, and then BBQ Pork Roast for dinner.  At least I ate all my broccoli.  Speaking of which, the stems are the good part of broccoli.  Not the flowers/leaves.  If you force your kids to eat the nasty flowers, of course they won't like it.
Just thought I'd share that.
After Saturday's surprise loss, my body compensated by packing on a little Sunday morning surprise.  Although my peaks are all under 190 now, so I am making progress.  I'll be back at it for the rest of the week.  Even if they do cause setbacks, the weekends off save my sanity.  There is no loneliness like diet loneliness.  So being able to eat with my kids as well as what my kids are eating, is a nice concession to myself.
There are just over two weeks until St Patricks Day.  Why does this matter?  Because in my family St Patrick's Day is a bigger day than Thanksgiving.  Despite our tenuous at best ties to Irish lineage, we have been feasting on St Patrick's for as long as I can remember.  And as a matter of protocol there is Corned Beef and Cabbage to be had, but my mother also prepares a full Turkey dinner with all the trimmings.  Potatoes Colcannon, pies, Soda Bread and, ya know, green Jell-O and stuff.  It's mainly just an excuse for a big dinner.   I WILL BE EATING A FULL ST FATTY'S DAY FEAST.  The trick is going to be having lost enough weight that it won't send me into a full Carb and Fat relapse.  I see it as the deadline.  I would count anything in the 170's as a success by St Patricks Day.  We'll see how that goes.

Morning Weigh In:

• 189.8
• 25.1%

Day 16, and 17

Slacking.  Both on my "program" and on the chronicling of said program.
Friday(day 16) was bad. I woke up sore, and tired.  I flaked out on going to the gym.  When I did finally wake up and weigh in, I had gained a pound.  You may recall that I was predicting a gain on Friday.  Funny thing was that I was so pissed off I went into a childish tail spin.  Not only did I not work out, but I then headed back to my dealer and bellied up to a nice greasy steak,egg, and cheese breakfast burrito from the Top Stop in Lehi.  As the grease dribbled down my chin, I felt like I should have a belt tied around my bicep and be thumping my arm trying to find a vein.  I had to adjust the rear view mirror so I couldn't make eye contact with myself.
I will say this, a breakfast burrito tides you over waaaaay better than a green smoothie.  Come lunchtime I had come to my senses a bit.  Another Jared sub from Subway.  I had intended to go to the gym in the evening as I have children and no social life outside the home.  However before I got home I was informed that plans had been made for me to eat at my in-laws.  Dinner was a crock-pot casserole of the mexican variety.  It would have been a little less dangerous if I had held off on the sour cream, but I was pouting after all.
So to recap day 16:  No exercise and several bad food choices.
Morning weigh in:

• 187.8
• 24.5%

Moving on to day 17. From the beginning I had planned to take weekends off.  But both weekends now I have started early on Friday.  My favorite African-Canadian and diet buddy Jeff texted me about snowshoeing so we made plans to go.  When I woke up, I staggered in and stripped down to weigh in.  What joy and rapture filled my soul when I had LOST more weight than I had gained the day before.  Must be water weight.
Got my gear together and ate a quick breakfast of peanut butter smeared on these nasty little wheat-tortilla-flatbread thingys that my wife buys.   With the big storms the last couple days, the trails were all soft and fluffy, but Stan and the Velo Club had started early and broken the trail ahead of us.  We followed their tracks all the way up Pine Hollow to the second meadow, and then headed south-westish until we came out on Cascade Springs road.  Which meant we would have to climb back up to the summit before being able to drop down to the vehicle.  We headed up the road and when we reached the summit, Stan and the club were all standing at the summit parking lot.  The group split into the hard-cores who were heading uphill, and the rest of us who were heading down Salamander flat and down to the cars.  We took a less than direct route and ended up charging down an crazy steep slope trying to keep our asses under our tea-kettles with mini-avalanches sliding behind and around us.  Good stuff.
Here is a picture of me squinting  before we met up with the group.

It was snowing hard most of the four hours we were hiking.
On the way down we decided to stop at Barbacoa(because it's my day off from the diet)  They do not have a Jared menu at Barbacoa, so I went ahead and got a gnarly chicken burrito, I deserved it.  I also got to try a new flavor of Cholula.  They had both Chile Garlic and Chile Lime flavor.  It speaks to how boring my life is that a new flavor of hot sauce made my weekend.  The Chile Garlic is good, but the garlic overpowers everything else and makes your breath smell like a goat.  The Chile Lime was borderline orgasmic. I wept.  If you need further proof of how wonderful Cholula is, go  here, where you will find two things that I have had dreams about, Gwyneth Palrow, and Cholula hot sauce.
I did alright the rest of the day, save a Butterfinger candy bar that I ate pretty much just because it was in the cupboard.  Then the neighbors called and wanted to go to dinner.  My social life doesn't extend too far beyond the bike shop, so it was a little weird to be going out with both a member of the Bishopric, and a member of the High Council.(For whomever you are in Germany that occasionally checks in with this blog, those are ecclesiastical leaders in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints,  you know, the Mormons)  Anyway, we ended up at Goodwood BBQ.   I just ordered a steak.  Not an awesome steak, but it was medium rare and used to moo, so I liked it.
Not even going to bother to add up the calories today, but I plan to spend most of next week trying to catch back up.
Morning Weigh In:

• 186.2
• 24.6%

Day 15

Down another pound or so. "It must be water weight." You'd be surprised how many people can't bear to recognize your achievements. They have a hard time figuring out how I can be losing weight this quickly. The fact is, I'M MORE THAN 25 PERCENT FAT. Coupled with what is a dramatic reduction in calories for me, and the fact that I'm working out every day, and twice most days. The point is, I can account for it without trying too hard. What's more, I can predict pretty closely what my weight will do based on my performance the day before. I am not going hungry, and I am getting stronger. A week ago, I struggled to do three bar dips. I'm almost up to three sets of ten.

I wouldn't go as far to say I'm looking good naked, but my pants are starting to fit a little better.

So cut me some slack eh?

Today I was oddly hungry. I ate a little more than usual, but still hit a negative calorie count by the end of the day, although it took two spin classes to do it(good Lord, I'm getting sick of spin classes). Oddly enough, I went to Taco Bell for some diet food today. Ordered from their "Fresco menu" for a total of 8 fat grams and about 250 calories. I don't really miss the junk food, but I miss carbs like a dead brother. Today after eating venison leftovers for dinner, I closed the blinds, turned out the lights and sopped up the drippings with one slice of white bread. Mmmm white bread. Then I made an appointment to go talk to the bishop.

Might gain a little in the morning.

Morning Weigh In:

• 186.7
• 26.5%

Day 14

Awesome, the pounds are coming off again. 2.8 lbs today! After two days recovering from the weekend, I am now lower than I have been since I started. Good for me.

The day started out a little rough, I missed my alarm and ended up not getting to the gym before work. That threw the whole day into a tailspin and I didn't get a decent breakfast. Grabbed a Muscle Milk and an apple at the C-store. Jeff tells me that when he has a protein shake in the morning, he's good till well after lunch. I am not. I was starving by 10:30. Jeff's success could be attributed to the fact that he is getting pharmaceutical grade help with his appetite. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Wasn't able to cheat since I was busy. Finally got a lunch of chicken,radishes,carrots, and yogurt and was good till I got home.

My son had his Cub Scout blue and gold banquet tonight. I have been edging more and more towards eating regular food for dinner and just controlling portions. I figured I could figure something out and still eat at the scout banquet. By the time the food came out I was starving. Luckily it was some form of prison food. I can only imagine they were trying to simulate a tin foil dinner for the scouts, because it was hamburger, potatoes, and carrots, cooked in an electric roaster. Oh, and bagged salad with ranch dressing. I had two scoops of the stuff, and felt shameful the whole time. Especially since I hadn't worked out at all today. This was the first potato I have eaten in weeks. Even though it was bland and terrible, the return to my ancestral staple food was strangely invigorating. The simplest carb I have eaten since starting.

Afterwards I called Jeff and we went to the gym to lift. It was a little heavy on the B.S. and not so heavy on the work, so we decided to expand our efforts to find the least masculine exercise we can. We ended up on the ellipticals so mission accomplished there. It kind of feels like riding a bike, but the motion feels really limited. Like riding a tiny, clown bike. The only cool thing is it tracks your calories burned, etc. Jeff ended up burning more than I did, but that's because he is both older, and fatter than me.

I may regret the "Scout Surprise" dinner in the morning. Hopefully I offset it a little with the late in the evening workout.

Spin class in the morning, where my sist-ahs at?

Morning weigh in:

• 188.2
• 25.4%

Day 13

Aaah, the scale is moving in the right direction again. One day of dieting and a little exercise seemed to do the trick. Although I have not yet dropped back into the 180's.

Hit spin class this morning, and packed a smaller lunch than I would actually need. A couple hard boiled eggs, some yogurt, and a cucumber.

I had to call an audible and hit the Jared menu at Subway again. This actually isn't too bad. A six inch chicken breast sandwich on wheat with veggies, then I go all crazy and have them give it a squirt of BBQ sauce. All that for 320 calories.

Another little secret I'll let you in on. Venison is extremely low in fat and calories. I had 8 oz for dinner, with some brown rice and corn and I was still below my calorie budget for the day.

Just to make sure, I headed to the gym for an evening spin class and some weights.

Evenings at the gym are frustrating. High school kids, menopausal women, and what I can only figure is a contingent from the Training School, make getting your gym time a pain in the ass. I got to the spin class ten minutes early, I was the second person in the room. Grabbed the bike I wanted, right in front of the fan and started spinning. Then Ethel and Gladys walk in. My prime location was a couple bikes away from the fan so I would get the full benefit. They sat directly underneath the fan. Class starts, people start to sweat and the fans come on. First thing Ethel does is reach up and turn it away from me and points it at a row of empty bikes. I didn't want to make a big deal about it so I focused on what I was doing. Soon I was dripping sweat from my eye lashes and the towel I brought was wringing wet. I turned around and asked politely if she would turn the fan my way a little bit and she gave me a startled snort. " I don't like it blowing on me." So, this woman sat right in front of the fan, pointed it away from her, and had yet to break a sweat while jiggling through the hour. I contained my anger and finished the class.

Then I headed out into the weight room. I couldn't get onto the bench, so I went over to the free weights to set up a curl bar. Got it all set up while Skippy the acne farm watched me. I did one set of ten, set it down and went to grab a dumb bell to work my triceps between sets. I walk ten feet away, come back, and he's pulling the weights off my curl bar. I told him I still needed it and he acted all put out. So he walked over and grabbed one of the other FOUR curl bars and put tiny little weights on it did three odd little exercises that I can't figure out what he was trying to work, and put it away. All before I was done with what I was doing. I finished, re racked the weights and started to head for the now open bench. Before I got there, Skippy and his buddy jumped on it, and loaded up a little over two hundred pounds on the bench. I knew neither of them would be able to lift it, so I kept an eye on them while I used one of the machines. Sure enough, they took turns spotting each other, the bar slamming into their ribs and then the two of them struggling to get it back up on the rack. They switched places and repeated this. They then headed over to the mirror to flex. I headed for the bench again, and they came jogging over to tell me they weren't done yet.

I hate people. Especially people at the city rec center.

Morning weigh in:

• 191
• 25.8%

Day 12(Posted on the morning of Day 13)

Oi. Back to work on a Monday. Lifting in the morning and back to the diet. As I expected, I had gained another pound and a half in the morning.

This is why a lifestyle change is so hard. I eat what I consider normal, and I gain. I really think it had as much to do with the lack of exercising Sunday as anything.

An apple for breakfast, some more fruit throughout the day and some pistachios(these are saving my life). Added some supposedly light yogurt today to help with another little side effect of the return to carbs and fats Sunday.

Some of you may be repulsed by the following, but I feel it bears sharing. I have what doctors have recognized as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This is the diagnosis you get when doctors can't come up with a physical reason why somebody is more often than not, prone to violent bouts of diarrhea. Over the years I have found a distinct correlation to eating garbage, especially fatty garbage, and the coming and going of the symptoms. Like a smoker who can't quit despite being constantly doubled over coughing, I have chosen to deal with the symptoms and eat the way I saw fit.

The new diet of fruits, vegetables, and lean protein has predictably improved the situation. Moving from a minimum of four "episodes" a day, to two. And the two episodes have been, well, less disgusting. After my little backslide over the weekend, Monday morning served as the hangover and Montezuma exacted his ugly revenge .

I seem to be back on track,(digestively and protocol-wise) and other than missing my evening workout due to an unplanned but welcome two hour nap before bedtime I am completely back on schedule.

Morning weigh-in:

• 192.2
• 26%

Day 11

Not only took the day off from the diet today, but exercise as well.

Managed to keep it reasonable on the food, but not completely healthy. Sundays and garbage go hand in hand for me.

Didn't even bother to add it all up, but I'm guessing it was easily a 2500 calorie day.

As I expected this morning I added a little weight. Nothing serious, but tomorrow may be uninspiring.

Oh well, I intend to keep working hard at it all week, letting up a little on Saturday, and going completely off the reservation on Sundays.

I'm not saying it's a good plan, but it's the one I'm going with.

Morning Weigh In:

• 190.6
• 25.1%

Day 10

Newsflash:

I just had my first non-weight-loss day. Weighed in this morning exactly the same as the day before. Since I had a date with the Monster Trucks at ESA, I went for a quick snowshoe with Jeff and Ben. Not sure how I feel about snowshoeing. I like to be on trails that I usually only see in the summer. But it's not at all pleasant. The push uphill is a killer workout, but instead of being followed by a rewarding cruise down, you get a joint crushing galumph down. Granted, I have only ever had one powder trip, but invariably I come home aching like an old man. My right knee and left hip told me I would NOT be working out this evening.

From the beginning, I have intended to take weekends "off".

More from the diet than anything. I usually have something fun happening on a Saturday. So I count that as my workout. Some kind of a ride, race pace or just dinking around, or like today snowshoeing. But it is excruciatingly hard to be home from work, with the family, or out and about and make good diet choices.

Case in point, my oldest just walked in and handed me two leftover Valentines chocolates(how can you say no to that?)

With Popcorn and Nacho's at the Monster Truck Rally, I anticipate what I hope will be a modest weight gain in the morning.

Pray for us sinners in this hour of our temptation.

Morning weigh in:

• 189.6
• 25.2%

Day 9

Literally spinning on the trainer as I type this, I think that adds a few degrees of calorie burn.

Not an awesome day as far as food went.

Did not pack a lunch which meant I had to fend for myself out in the big bad world.

Ended up snacking on dried fruit, and pistchios through the day.

Lunch was Subway's Jared menu.

A little heavier on the calories and fat than I was over that past week, but that's why I'm typing while I spin.

Oh yeah, I had an adventure with running today. Lifted this morning and as I was walking out, I thought I'd try a lap. Pretty soon I figured I would try a mile.

Yep running still sucks, but I ran a mile today.

Milestone though...

Morning weigh in:

• 189.6
• 26.1%

Day 8

Bless me internet for I have sinned. Due to a lack of shopping/planning, I had a regular dinner with the family. Chicken roll-ups and green beans. Chicken and cream cheese wrapped in homeade bread. I did abstain from the Cream of Chicken soup which was intended as Gravy. Kept the portion reasonable, and then out of shame scrambled to the basement to sit on the trainer.

With a spin class this morning, and an hour on the trainer tonight, I'm hoping I offset the carbs and fats in dinner.

The head cold persists though. That's one of the motivators for the extra workouts. It opens up my sinuses.

I had hoped to have a major milestone tomorrow, but the chicken roll-up has put that in doubt. Will I be in the 180's tomorrow?

Morning Weigh-In:

• 190.8
• 27.2%

PS: The trainer sucks.

Day7(One Weak)

All right nobody gives two craps about the minutia of exactly what I ate, blah blah, chicken, blah blah, vegetables, blah blah, fruit, blah blah, fish. I did add a granola bar today for some carbs. The delicious Clif Bar Crunch that the club got from IMBA a few months ago. Basically the same thing as a Nature Valley granola bar. Very dry, but a little sweet and by now any carbs I eat are like bumping a line of Coke(Colombian, not a-cola). Two come in a pack, I ate one around lunch and one right before I headed back to the gym tonight.

Oh yes, the gym. Jeff and I lifted this morning. I am definitely missing a step from not eating 4000 calories a day. I really notice it at the end of my third set on any given exercise. If it's something I normally do 3 sets of 20 on, I usually can't finish the third set. Or maybe I'm just a quitter. Even money. Anyway, I lifted "vigorously" this morning. Burning around 400 calories. Went to work, eating a little all day. Weird that I'm starting to enjoy the spinach in vinegar thing. Came home and ate a small dinner including the granola bar, then went back to catch a spin class at 8pm. Having never been to a spin class in the evening I didn't know if it would be packed or what so I showed up a half hour early to be sure I got a bike. With no line, I started lifting, ended up lifting "vigorously" again for a half hour before the class was supposed to start. 8 pm came and went, nobody showed, not even the teacher. Wandered around a minute, asked a few people, and finally "Coach Kena" showed up to unlock the door.

It ends up that the 8pm class is the second half of a triathlon class. They had been in the pool and were a little late getting to the spin room. Since the rest of the class was still toweling off I suppose, Coach Kena introduced herself and told me about the class. I think she was recruiting me. "Have you ever done a tri?" ..."No"..."Do you want to?"..."No."

All I wanted to do was get my heart rate up for about an hour. It ends up triathletes are retarded. First off, the fans in the room never came on. Sweat was puddled under my bike. Then there are the stupid drills. "Okay, we're going to get off the bike after this interval.." The only time I'm interested in getting off my bike is in a cyclocross race, and even then it's to be avoided if at all possible. THREE TIMES they jumped off and started doing one-legged bunny hops and squat thrusts. I bowed to peer pressure the first time and felt even stupider than I looked. In addition my heart rate dropped. So the next time, I opted to just keep pedaling and not make eye contact. Once they started their unison stretching I made a beeline for the door, never to return. I got my hour in though.

So I'm a little proud that I technically had three separate workouts today. I got a little worried though when for the second day in a row, my calorie intake to calories burned ratio was negative. I don't feel hungry, and I am eating constantly, but of my allotted 1623 calories a day I'm supposed to be able to eat, I have eaten -309.

I'm starting to worry that I might be taking it to an unhealthy extreme. I remember the sage advice of Zach....

I just hope Mr Belding doesn't find out.

Morning Weigh-In:

• 192.0
• 28.9%(?)

Day 6

Finally moving in the right direction. Pleasantly surprised by a nearly four pound drop this morning. I was a little under my allotted calories yesterday, though I didn't necessarily go hungry.

I can't say I'm enjoying the lack of variety. The only thing that really packs well for lunch is precooked chicken breast. Cholula has zero calories so I slather everything in it. Also took a baggie of raw spinach that I poured a little apple cider vinegar into which is surprisingly good to nibble on while driving. Packed double what I did yesterday and just snacked on it through the day.

Got home and ate some grapes and a cup of precooked shrimp.

The cold has let up a little so I can actually exercise. I made it to spin class with the other girls today. Decided not to pay any attention to the instructor and just warmed up with very little tension for about fifteen minutes then cranked the tension up to where I was working and settled in for the rest of the hour. Probably the most satisfactory spin class I've ever been to.

After work I lifted "vigorously" for half an hour. Not sure if it's calorie deficit or the cold but I am currently dizzy as hell. Worked my arms and chest to failure and the leg sled just till it hurt.

The upside is, that according to my calculations, I have burned about 50 more calories than I have eaten today exercising. I will have some more fruit before bed, but I feel like I was eating all day and I'm still 1600 calories under my target.

I might throw just a few carbs into the mix tomorrow. Before each workout.

Two a days are kind of tough.

Morning Weigh-In:

• 194.2
• 26.2%

Day 5 (And So It Begins)

As punishment for vanity God struck me down with a vicious head cold that settled in yesterday afternoon. Making food not taste, and my appetite diminish.

I got all drugged up to try to get a good nights rest, and as I lay down, I remembered that Kellie had told me there was a Reese's Peanut Butter heart for me to eat before my diet. At 11:20pm I realized I hadn't eaten it, and in theory wouldn't get the chance for at least several weeks. I woke her up and asked her for it. She gave it to me and I ate it in bed. And so ended the binge portion of this journey.

I was supposed to go lift this morning for exercise, but after getting out of bed I decided that my cold might be better served with a couple more hours of sleep. I went back to bed, and once the decongestant/Vick's Vap-O-Rub/generic sleeping pill wore off, I awoke not feeling good, but alive. The cold had killed my appetite so I packed a lunch and headed out for the day. Against the admonition of Cobourn I grabbed a diet soda for a little caffeine. The overwhelming opinion seems to be that Hydroxycut is not fit for man nor beast and so for now, I haven't taken any. I did however start taking HCG during my "load" days. I am basing my diet on what A.T. Simeon's HCG diet says, but I won't be going hungry. Instead eating a reasonable amount of foods with little to no carbs, extremely lean protein, and lots of green vegetables. My target is 1500 calories, but that's not a hard line.

For lunch I ate a 4 oz piece of chicken breast, half a cucumber, and an apple. When I got home I basically ate that lunch again. And a little later I had a tilapia fillet, with some spinach wilted in the pan with it. A fistful of strawberries, another of grapes, and a banana.

In total, an 1100 calorie day. No sweat. It could just be the cold talking though.

Now that my menu is a little less complex, the LoseIt app on my ipod calculates my calories pretty well. I should have a really good idea of totals from here on out.

Morning weigh in:

• 198.7
• 29.1%

Day 4

After a four day bender I am ready to begin. Today I ate mostly leftovers, more of those taquitos, the last cinnamon roll, a couple fistfuls of chips, and probably the most sensible thing I've eaten since this started which was Kellie's oriental-ish chicken and rice. And Pepsi.

Aaaaah Pepsi. I love Pepsi. Delicious, bubbly goodness. I have at different times in my life consumed as much as 104 oz of Pepsi a day. Morning, noon, and night, it's always Pepsi time. At 150 calories per can, this can't be helping my situation. I haven't really decided where I come down on diet soda's as they relate to dieting. No calories sure, but they taste like low-grade medical waste, and how can something so brown and full of flavor(good or bad) have no food value whatsoever? I have been experimenting with some of them and the most palatable of them is Coke Zero. Also, it is available in fountain form at gas stations. This might be the crutch I need.

I have to be honest, I feel a little like a shotgun-bride the night before the wedding. I know it's something that needs to happen, but I am afraid of the misery I will soon be going through. I am spurred on by an incident that happened last night. Getting ready for bed I stepped on the scale. In my underwear. The number that came up did NOT begin with a one. I stepped off and back on, and it was confirmed. I peeled off my underwear, and thankfully, saw 199.8. This is just the latest in a long list of things in my life that I just snuck in under wire on. Of course your heavier in the evening, and even tonight things have improved. But it served to remind me that it's time to do this.

When next you hear from me, I will likely be...hungry.

Morning weigh-in:

• 198.9
• 28%

And as promised. Chubby guy porn. Not only does it show a desperate need for window treatments, but my nipple line is a good two inches below where it should be. Let's call this "before".

Day 3

At some point, the United States Department of Agriculture put their heads together and decided that the average adult human requires around 2000 calories to function. Give or take, this number is the basis of all the recommended daily allowances on the labels of the food you buy every day. Frankly it's not a number that I have ever given much thought. Last year I did the HCG diet and survived on 500 calories a day for one week. Predictably, I lost a significant amount of weight, but couldn't function very well. But that was the only time I had ever given any thought to how many calories I actually consume in a day.

At the beginning of this little project, I downloaded the LoseIt app for my Ipod to help me track my calories consumed and burned. These first few days I haven't bothered to add up all my foods because I knew they were in excess of my budgeted 1627 calories a day(based on a plan to lose 2 pounds a week until I weigh 165lbs).

Tonight I was sacked out on the couch and decided to actually do it. It's a little tedious, especially for homemade recipes. But with the broad strokes it gives you a reasonably accurate idea of what your eating.

Two things happened today that affected my total. Each year around Valentines my mother-in-law takes us out to breakfast. Denny's, IHOP, whatever everybody agrees on. I didn't go nuts, but got a basic breakfast combo. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns. Shortly after that, my soon-to-be diet buddy Jeff called me for a ride. We decided we'd take the fixies out. For the uninitiated, a fixie is a singlespeed, fixed gear(no coasting) bike. Popular of late with the girl-jeans and horn-rimmed hipster crowd. Ours are pretty standard but they make you work a little harder uphill, not being able to grab a lower gear, and they turn fast downhills into a frightening ordeal to be endured rather than enjoyed. It was a beautiful day, and with no computer I have no idea as to how far or fast we went, but I got the heart rate up for about an hour and went around twenty miles. I considered this "vigorous" and entered it into the calculator as such. It spit out 1100 calories for this activity.

When I started punching totals in, I started with the exercise, which bumps up your allowance for food. 1627 became 2727. For a moment I thought I was going to end up with a credit or something.

Not the case. After IHOP, a few cookies, and some lovely homemade taquito's for dinner, my calorie intake was a shocking 3700 calories. I would like to point out that I didn't eat lunch. So I broke my budget by a cool thousand calories. This will be an interesting next few weeks.

Morning weigh-in:

• 198 lbs
• 28%

*Be sure to tune in tomorrow for some hot topless action. I will be posting unretouched "before" photos. Hide the women and children.

Day 2

The binge cycle continues. Like any sinful indulgence, it is not as satisfying as I had made it out to be in my mind. Another morning, another breakfast burrito. Some co-workers who know what I'm doing met up with me for Up-Chuck-A-Rama for lunch. Not awesome. I have been to Chuck-A-Rama at least a dozen times in my life, and have never had a good experience. It was so bad I didn't even really try to overdo it. It was horrible. One plate of "entrees" and one plate of fruit and dessert. Luckily my lovely wife texted me that she thought we should do a Farewell Fatty/Valentines Sushi night. Of course we hit Sushi House(Denny's Sushi) for the all you can eat. Between us and the Orr's(Canadian migrant worker couple) we pounded eight rolls. I think I'm done for the night, but there are cinnamon rolls on the counter.

I'm gonna call this a 3200 calorie day.

Failed to report on exercise yesterday. Day 1 exercise was spin class (1 hour, sweating with spazzy menopausal women) Today, I skipped working out all together. Jeff went. This is possibly going to turn into a weight loss contest between he and I. That might get exciting.

As a side note, I got a genuinely concerned call from my buddy Cobourn last night telling me I was going about this all wrong. He's probably right. I'm sure no physician in his right mind would recommend starting a diet and exercise program with a four day food orgy. Cobourn has lost twenty pounds over about four months by cutting carbs and fats, sitting on the trainer and drinking himself to sleep each night. Different strokes for different folks. He offered to send me some info that he has been using, but I haven't seen it yet.

I don't feel like what I'm proposing is incredibly drastic. 1500 calories/day isn't really starving. If you do it right, it can be a lot of food(leafy greens, fruit, etc.) Cobourn seems to take exception with using Hydroxycut. I haven't really decided if that's what I'm going to do. It worked for me in the past, so that's what I thought I'd do. If nothing else, it turns your urine exotic colors.

Morning Weigh-In:

• 197 lbs
• 27.3%

Day 1

Planning the binge portion of my diet I had visions of Chinese Buffet's, for lunch, Buffalo wings for dinner. Kellie shot that in the foot this morning by packing me a lunch for work. The most sinful thing in there was cottage cheese chip dip.

I don't think she understood what I was going for.

I compensated with a steak breakfast burrito from the Top Stop gas station in Lehi. They are greasy, and delicious.

A busy day at work actually made the brown bag a necessary evil. Two sandwiches(ham and cheese and PB&J), the chips and dip, grapes, a Little Debbie Brownie, and a string cheese. John Bender might point out the complete representation of the four food groups.

Dinner was a less than rebellious too, waffles and eggs. I've always hated maple syrup so I put PB&J on that as well. Too lazy to track the calories, but I sense a pulled pork BBQ sandwich coming up for a bedtime snack

Morning Weigh in:

• 197 lbs
• 26.8%

Tomorrow I buy drugs.

Acceptance

Step one.

It's time I admit it to myself. I am fat. A few years ago, I bought one of those "take off your shoes" scales that measures your body fat percentage. Since then I have discovered that I am, on average, comprised of at least one quarter Crisco. At my leanest, I have been down to twenty percent. Currently I am at twenty eight percent. My five foot ten inch frame, carries most of it squarely in the middle. If I had to choose a celebrity who most resembles my body type, I would have to say Mike Wazowski.

Or if I'm being generous Sy Snootles.

This body type doesn't stand out in a crowd, unless your crowd happens to be a bunch of cyclists. There was a time when I was the "skinniest" cyclist that I hung around with. In those halcyon days, weighing less than one hundred ninety pounds was down right trim. Thing is though, the guys that used to think I was skinny one by one abandoned bikes and the sweating and grunting that accompanies them. My interest in bikes remained and soon I began riding with people who had more than just a passing interest in the sport. The thing about those people is, they tend to be skinny. Soon I was on the other end of the spectrum and instead of people saying "If I only weighed as much as you I could keep up." People were saying "I'm impressed you can keep up weighing as much as you do." And soon I wasn't keeping up.

Each spring that passes, the struggle to get back to my version of fighting weight takes longer, and is more difficult. A few years ago, I was approaching two hundred pounds. Or as I like to call it, The Deuce. I setup the trainer, bought a bottle of Hydroxycut and in about two months, I had dropped twenty pounds. Once summer came, and I was able to ride more outside, I slowly got out of the better eating habits and justified it by saying I was riding more. It took awhile but the weight came back. Not with a vengeance, just enough that I didn't feel sexy anymore.

Last spring, once again approaching the deuce, I went whole hog and did the HCG diet. The thing about starving yourself to death is you actually dump a lot of weight. Fourteen pounds in about six days to be exact. Then I tried to ride a bike. On a gentle mountain bike climb that my kids are able to make, I went into a full, tunnel vision, head spinning, bonk.

So I went home and plowed through some carbs. In the short term, I only bounced up a few pounds, and managed to maintain a weight in the high one-eighties for most of last year.

Now spring is on the horizon and I find myself looking square into the maw of The Deuce once again.

The strange thing is that this winter I have actually stayed relatively active. My workout buddy/Canadian man-crush Jeff Orr has gotten me into the less than masculine world of Spin Class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and to offset the homoerotic tone of that, we lift weights Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I raced cyclocross every weekend into December and have even been out snowshoeing a couple of times. Easily more active than most Americans don't you think? But in my circle of leg-shaving, heart rate monitoring friends, I'm still the fat kid. It doesn't help that I eat like a garbage truck. Fast food is my weakness. Breakfast Burritos in particular might as well be presented to me each day by a serpent in a tree. Garbage in, garbage out as they say.

So I am finally ready to take the next step. Not sure what that is for Alcoholics, but for fat dudes it means it's time to diet.

The plan so far is this.

• Fifteen hundred calories. HCG was five hundred, and as an uneducated blue collar worker, and half-assed athlete, I have found I can't survive on five hundred. Being dizzy is not conducive to cycling or climbing ladders. Fifteen hundred is substantially less than I eat now.
• Chemicals. I have had positive results with two chemicals that people told me not to use. So I intend to use one or both of them as directed to give me a boost. I am willing to risk long term organ damage for short term weight loss.
• Grace period. Cold Turkey is not only unappetizing, it's spirit breaking. I have determined that my diet will begin next week. I intend to descend into gluttony over the next four days to get it out of my system.
• Public Shame. The purpose of this blog is twofold. To chronicle my efforts, and shame my failures. It also serves to delude myself into thinking that anybody cares to know what I have to say. If all it does is give Ryan Cobourn a place to mock my chubbiness it will have served it's purpose.

So there you have it. I will post each day with my morning weight, what I ate that day, and what I did for exercise. If I have the stomach for it(and apparently I do) I will post semi-regular photos of my man boobs. I might have to rate this site as MA though.